Why Shame is ADHD’s Largest Obstacle (and Potentially a Huge Ally)
ADHD in 5-Minutes: From Frustration to Understanding [#003]
Last week, I talked about the massive difference between acceptance and resignation, particularly as it relates to ADHD.
One of the interesting observations I've clocked after putting in hundreds of hours working with other ADHDers (and nearly 2,000 weeks of living in my own brain) is that even if you intellectually understand that acceptance isn't giving up, there's still this compelling thought or feeling that shows up the moment you try to actually practice it.
It may sound something like:
"Oh, so now you're just making excuses?"
"Everyone else manages fine without 'accommodations.'"
"You know this is just about being undisciplined."
Those familiar statements are essentially shame talking, and while we could spend months exploring shame, let's start with a primer to better understand why (for ADHD) it is literally the largest obstacle to living well.
Quick Review: Acceptance vs. Resignation
Acceptance is a disposition characterized by non-judgment, non-avoidance, and non-attachment.
Resignation is essentially the exact opposite: judgment ("I'm lazy"), avoidance ("I can't handle this"), and attachment ("I should be able to do this like everyone else").
From there, let's throw into the mix a working definition of shame.
Shame is generally a belief that has a strong emotional component characterized by self-condemnation.
Rather than say "I did something bad," shame says "I am something bad."
Here's why this matters for your ADHD brain: shame fundamentally undermines your practice of acceptance. Shame brings with it the perfect conditions for resignation—harsh judgment, avoidance behaviors, and rigid attachment to being "normal."
And, if you allow it, shame will pull you into inaction, isolation, and sets impossible standards for change. Over enough time, inaction, isolation, and impossible standards ultimately lead to resignation.
Your ADHD Brain on Shame
Shame doesn't just feel terrible—it actively makes your ADHD symptoms worse and inevitably leads to resignation. What makes shame particularly brutal is the spiral it creates, which unfortunately for ADHDers is a very common experience.
The cycle looks something like this:
ADHD symptom shows up (e.g., you're late, you forgot something, you got distracted);
Shame floods in (e.g., "Normal people don't do this" or suddenly feeling rejected, unsafe, insecure)
Mind and body suddenly feel threatened, leading to an intense urge to avoid or hide;
Executive functions switch to their "hot" circuit, meaning deeper parts of your brain take over to move you toward safety;
Emotional dysregulation leads to greater impulsivity and difficulty concentrating, usually meaning you'll self-isolate to feel safe again;
Avoidance causes more consequences to pile up (causing more shame to flood in);
Repeat until you're regularly finding yourself under a blanket in a dark room, breaking into your umpteenth hour of doom-scrolling while eating cereal for dinner.
If unchecked, shame spirals eventually call forth the tendrils of depression and anxiety…and once those take hold then it’s a whole new set of challenges.
Breaking the Spiral
The first step out of the shame spiral is recognizing when you're in it.
Here's what shame sounds and feels like in everyday ADHD moments:
When you're running late (again):
Shame says: "You're so disrespectful. Normal people manage time. You clearly don't care about anyone but yourself."
Shame may feel like a dense, dropping sensation in your gut;
When you forgot something important:
Shame says: "You're so unreliable. How do you forget everything? People can't count on you for anything."
Shame may feel like your throat is constricting;
When you need accommodations at work:
Shame says: "Everyone will think you're making excuses. You should handle this like a real adult."
Shame may feel like your heart is racing, and an urge to run.
Foe to Friend: Practicing Acceptance on Shame
The truly weird part about shame being the largest obstacle to living well is that if you can spot it, then you have a chance to turn into your biggest ally.
Here’s the trick: you can practice acceptance on the experience of shame.
Remember, acceptance isn’t an action, it is an orientation, a disposition, a stance…which means you can “stand” in acceptance towards the experience of shame. So those thoughts of how disrespectful and unreliable you are, or those dropping sensations in your gut, or your throat tightening? You can give those thoughts and sensations your non-judgmental, non-avoidant, and non-attached attention. Once you can successfully spot shame, then you have the choice to accept it.
When you catch yourself in the shame spiral, try these steps:
Step 1: Acknowledge Shame
"Oh, hi shame…thanks for being here with me...”
Step 2: Notice the Sensations / Story
"Ah, I see my throat is tight and the dropping feeling in my gut. And there’s a thought about being unreliable. Thanks for being here…I see you…”
Step 3: Tell a New Story
"My ADHD means I need different supports, not that I’m unreliable. What support might I need to help with this?”
If you have any subtle desire to get rid of shame, then you are likely judging and avoiding it. If you notice those desires, just acknowledge them: “Ah, I see a desire to move away from this.”
Shame, like you, needs caring attention in order to change.
The practice of acceptance will not get rid of shame, or any other challenge in your life.
The practice of acceptance is so that you can proactively acknowledge, confront, and show up for the challenges of your life with more presence, discernment, and accurate responses.
What makes practicing acceptance on the experience of shame so powerful is that, as someone with ADHD, you are likely to have a lot of opportunities to practice. Which means, your level of skill and sure-footedness in the flow of life can be that much greater.
As ADHDers, we know that making your ADHD worse is easy, sometimes too easy. And, the way to make your ADHD better is simple: practicing acceptance.
If I could pray and bring about a change in your life, then I would pray you learn how to quickly spot shame and that you can stand firmly in acceptance towards it.
I’ve seen it many times: once you accept your deficits, then the truly helpful supports, resources, and strategies can be built for a more manageable, enjoyable life.
Ok, that wraps up my first three issues of ADHD-in-5 Minutes!!!
I’ve been avoiding launching this newsletter for over 6 months, so this feels like quite the win to me.
In my mind, I had this idea that the first three issues would focus on what I believe to be the foundation for living well with ADHD (i.e. acceptance, and its counterpart resignation (and shame)).
Now that I’ve hit this milestone, I realize I’ve been researching (too much) on how to launch a “successful” newsletter and, in doing so, my first three issues feel a bit too formulaic. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished so far and I’m celebrating this milestone for sure…and I know the advice I’ve been following doesn’t fit quite right.
My first couple weeks on Substack have taught me a lot so far. And looking back at these three issues I can see how hard I was trying to be an expert, when what I actually want is a community of peers.
I’ve always tried too hard in life. I’ve always felt like I needed to try hard in order to be accepted. It’s crazy how much effort I’ve put into protecting myself from rejection…from shame…and it’s likely one of the reasons I wrote this in the first place.
I’m grateful for getting here. And I’m grateful if you’ve read anything I’ve written thus far: thanks for being here.
As always, sending good vibes your way.
Cheers,
Michael
I really enjoyed reading this thank you!