The Difference Between Acceptance and Resignation (is F***ing Massive)
ADHD in 5-Minutes: From Frustration to Understanding [#002]
Last week, I suggested something that might have made you want to throw your phone across the room: accept your deficits.
And, some days, if you're anything like myself and other ADHDers I've worked with, you probably thought something like: "Great, Michael. So I should just give up and accept that I'm a total mess?! Thanks for nothing."
If we aren't clear on what I mean by "accept," then yeah, my suggestion of "accept your deficits" can definitely sound incredibly insensitive. But acceptance has absolutely nothing to do with giving up, settling, or resigning yourself to a life of chaos and disappointment. There's a massive f***ing difference between acceptance and resignation.
And, in my opinion, understanding this difference might be the most important thing you learn not only in relation to ADHD but across all aspects of life. So…now that I've totally oversold that, let's do some serious semantic somersaults here:
In the context I'm using it, acceptance is a disposition, not an action. And in this context, disposition means a particular perspective or stance relative to something else (in this case, your ADHD deficits)...but what is that perspective/stance?
Good question!
Acceptance is acknowledging one's current circumstances, limitations, or challenges without judgment, avoidance, or attachment to how things "should" be different.
So, acceptance is a disposition characterized by non-judgement, non-avoidance, and non-attachment.
On the other hand, resignation is essentially the exact opposite of acceptance: it is judgment (e.g. "I'm lazy"), avoidance (e.g. "I can't (or don't want to) handle this"), and attachment (e.g. "I should be able to do this like everyone else").
Real-Life Examples and Discernment
Let me show you what this looks like in practice:
When you miss another deadline…
Resignation says: "See? I knew I'd screw this up again. If I didn't procrastinate, this wouldn't have happened. Why do I even bother trying?"
Acceptance says: "This is hard for my brain…I know time is hard to track. What made this difficult? What supports do I need for the next deadline?"
When you can't focus during an important meeting…
Resignation says: "I'm such an idiot. Everyone else can pay attention. I'm never going to make it…"
Acceptance says: "My brain needs more stimulation to focus in meetings. What might help? Taking notes, fidget tools, requesting recordings, or asking for agendas in advance?"
When you hyperfocus on the wrong thing all day…
Resignation says: "I literally wasted the whole day again…I'm hopeless…maybe tomorrow? I doubt it…"
Acceptance says: "My brain got pulled into something interesting and lost track of time. Classic ADHD! Tomorrow I'll set up some time-blocks for body doubling—let me set alarms now and see if John is available at 10 a.m. tomorrow."
How to Tell Acceptance vs. Resignation
Here's how you can identify whether you're resigning or accepting:
Ask yourself: "When I struggle with something ADHD-related, do I…"
Research strategies that work for ADHD brains?
Assume nothing will work for someone like me?
Seek out the factors involved in what went wrong?
Blame my character or intelligence?
Seek accommodations without letting shame stop me?
Hide my struggles and refuse help?
Hopefully it’s become far easier to see the difference; acceptance and resignation are worlds apart from each other.
From Seeing Gaps to Building Bridges
Acceptance doesn't mean lowering your standards or abandoning your goals. I know this is cliché in the ADHD community, but acceptance means acknowledging how your brain works then actually working with instead of against it.
You cannot build bridges over gaps you don't recognize, acknowledge or accept.
Resignation keeps you stuck in shame spirals.
Resignation leads to avoiding challenges and missing opportunities.
Resignation says "I'm broken."
Acceptance helps you find the right supports to jump the Gaps.
Acceptance opens up new paths and possibilities.
Acceptance says "I'm different, and different requires different approaches."
We all struggle and feel defeated at times, and it's helpful to set up support for your future self before the next time that happens. Grab a pen and write the quote below on a sticky note, then put it somewhere you frequently walk by:
"I'm not broken or hopeless: my brain just needs different supports. What's one small thing I can try differently right now?"
The shift from resignation to acceptance can change everything about your experience of ADHD.
Next Week: We'll explore the largest obstacle to standing more firmly in acceptance: Shame
Also, please leave a comment with your thoughts on these questions: do you recognize the “Gaps” in your day-to-day experience? Do you regularly accept them or often fall into resignation? Your thoughts/reflections may help another person see their “Gaps” too…
Sending good vibes your way.
Cheers,
Michael