Making Your ADHD Worse is Easy. Making Your ADHD Easier is Simple.
ADHD in 5-Minutes: From Frustration to Understanding [#001]
If you have ADHD, here’s something that might sound familiar: You sit down to tackle an important but non-urgent task. You know exactly what needs to be done. You even want to do it! But within minutes, your attention drifts to your phone…and forty-five minutes later you have a series of browser tabs all about your next hobby: making smoked-gouda cheese (and most of the new tabs are about the different flavor profiles if you use apple and (or!) cherry tree charcoal).
And then that voice in your head shows up: “Why can’t I just do the thing? Everyone else seems to manage… What’s wrong with me?”
Those questions (“Why can’t I just…? / What’s wrong with me?”) likely come from a deep place of shame and judgement. As someone who lives with ADHD and has spent hundreds of hours supporting other ADHDers, I can assure you that shame and judgement are some of the best ways to make living with ADHD far, far worse.
Telling someone (or yourself) to "just do it" is like telling someone with nearsightedness to “just see clearly” without glasses: it’s ignorant, unkind, and categorically unhelpful.
ADHD brains are essentially defined by executive function deficits. These deficits are not defects: the fact that your brain is wired differently doesn’t necessarily equate to character flaws or moral failings. Executive functions are higher-level cognitive abilities that help regulate and manage other cognitive processes and behaviors.
For all brains, these executive functions are a team and have specific roles:
Inhibitory Control (the bouncer who keeps distractions out or stops hasty actions)
Self-Monitoring (the supervisor tracking feedback and progress toward goals)
Working Memory (the assistant retrieving and juggling info while you try to use it)
Planning & Organization (the project manager sequencing and scheduling tasks)
Emotional Regulation (the strategist resetting your perspective to stay on track)
In ADHD brains, these roles still exist but they’re just inconsistent. Sometimes they show up. Sometimes they ghost. Sometimes they nail it and other times they’ve clocked out early.
Fundamentally, ADHD can be summed up by one descriptor: inconsistency. One week you’re crushing tasks; the next, you’re couch-locked. One day you’re productive; the next, everything feels impossible. One minute you’re focused; the next, you’re down a smoke-gouda-cheese shaped hole.
Unfortunately, in addition to all the other difficult things about ADHD, there is the accrued experience of inconsistency. And what we know about human beings is their absolute need to tell themselves ‘stories’ in order to contextualize and understand their lives.
This is the real kicker: ADHDers have a consistent experience of inconsistency.
So, the stories they tell themselves must account for that inconsistency. And there is no better way to explain all those painful experiences than with negative beliefs about themselves:
“I’m lazy…”
“I’m disruptive…”
“I’m unreliable…”
“I’m stupid…”
“I’m a burden…”
ADHD carries with it the perfect conditions to grow anxiety and depression. And there is no better fertilizer for anxiety and depression than shame and judgement.
The ADHD Meta-Strategy
After all that grimness, let’s talk about the ADHD game-changer…and surprise, surprise…it’s simple and brutally hard:
Accept your deficits.
Before you rage-quit this newsletter, I want you to run a quick experiment. Please quickly follow these two steps:
Think of some[THING] you “can’t do” but want to.
Examples could be: paying your bills on time, making more friends, finishing your assignments, finding a new job (or holding one);
Now, try saying these questions aloud by filling in the blank:
“Why can’t I just [THING]?”
Now, take a quick breath, and;“I want to do [THING]: how can I make it easier to do? Who/what could help?”
Did you feel the difference? The first question chains you to an endless dance with shame…the second hands you a lockpick.
Ok, ready? Grab a sticky note and write this quote on it:
“My brain’s executive team is struggling today. This is classic ADHD…what do I need? What or who could be helpful?”
Next time you’re stuck, read the sticky note aloud: this reframe trades shame for resolve. As you try this practice above, I hope you’ll commit this next bit to memory: acceptance does not equal resignation.
That’s enough for now, and next issue we’ll dig into what acceptance really means.
Next Week: We’re picking up where we ended today: Resignation vs. Acceptance. Knowing the difference changes the game of ADHD into something entirely different.
Until then, please leave a comment and let me know the most recent time your executive functions ghosted you. Distracted? Forgetfulness? Terribly late? Didn’t drink water all day? (Also, go drink water). Whatever it was, I want to hear from you. Your input could help myself and others understand themselves better.
Sending good vibes your way.
Cheers,
Michael